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As
far as 2005 is concerned, all bets are off. We will be learning
as we go.
In
some ways these can be thought of as exciting times. Those of us
who thrive on change, turn on dimes and adapt in milliseconds are
now in our element. Those of us who are set in our ways, devotees
of the tried and true, players by the book are now null and void.
Change Management, that's the new world order.
One
of my current clients is a major player in enterprise level business
process engineering. They didn't know that before we started working
together. They thought they were in the IT Infrastructure business.
They thought the CTO was their customer. They thought speeds and
feeds were their competitive edge. Wrong. Business agility. That's
what will ring their cash register.
"When an enterprise is slow to respond to change, or fails
to perceive weaknesses exposed by changing dynamics in the marketplace,
it is referred to as a strategic failure." That's how biz consultants
Booze, Allen, Hamilton put it back in September of 2000. Today the
landscape is littered with the corpses and burned out shells of
those businesses that were then considered "strategic failures,"
even while some posed as the darlings of Wall Street.
E-Hobbies,
Enron, WorldCom, Southern Pacific"gone. Did their marketing
people have a clue that the writing was on the wall? Probably. Did
anybody listen their warnings? Probably not. It's difficult to see
change before it happens. It's even more difficult to see change
while it happens. But strangely enough for some firms, it's impossible
to see change after it happens. That's because to many people within
the command structure have spent too much time denying that change
was even an issue, so how can it already have happened.
Demand
forecasting, change management, futurism; all of these disciplines
rely on a device called the cone of probability. The purpose of
this devise is to aid in planning events based upon the known, the
probable and the unknown. The premise being that if we attempt to
surmise the unknowns, prepare for the probables and assess the knowns
we will be more agile in dealing with all of them.
Strange
how such thinking never quite makes it into the creative process
in advertising.
Conventional
agency thinking has it that the targeted consumer is standing right
over there. Go out, build yourself a gun, machine yourself a few
rounds, fire a few test shots, now draw a bead squeeze the trigger
and hit her right between the eyes six months later. She'll hang
out on that street corner waiting for you to get your act together.
Ridiculous.
Far
better to say, our consumer goes here, here and here during her
shopping day. Tag her with this GPS device to make sure she sticks
with the program. Forget the gun, forget the bullets. Use your finger.
Sneak up behind her and stick it in her ribs. Get the purse and
let her go. Now you've got her address, drivers license with her
picture, credit card with her data and you know what brand of lipstick
she uses. That's agility in the marketplace.
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Be
Careful What You Wish For. I
have a friend that's been out of work or the past two years.
I could count on hearing from him at least once a week to
bring me up to date on how useless, worthless and unsatisfying
his life was since he left his job at J. Walter Thompson as
a Creative Director.
No more
all hands panic drills. No more boring lunches with photographers
reps. No more three week production junkets to the coast.
No more hottie of the month casting sessions.
Just the
endless monotony of sending out resumes, trying to get headhunters
to return your calls, calling your friends for any and all
job leads.
This
buddy of mine could never quite figure out why "networking"?
didn't apply to the unemployed. He could never understand
why his "friends" at more than a dozen agencies
were never around to get his calls or crossed the street when
they saw him coming or going to an interview.
It also
escaped him why none of the production companies to whom he
had channeled hundreds of thousands, yea millions of dollars
to would respond to his requests for opportunities to direct.
At no time did this guy ever deign to consider selling his
skills on the freelance market. "I'm an agency guy,"
he would tell me when I would attempt to send work his way.
Then around
month 8 on the outside he began to drop hints on his willingness
to entertain the occasional freelance opportunity. With the
caveat that it must include a network television component.
Dude was sho' nuf' trippin'.
Then,
after having to sell the house in Darian and forgo the vacation
in Nevis for two years running, my friend lucked up on a job
at McCann.
Now I
still hear from him on the average of once a week. And invariably,
the context of the call is a song of woe. But now it's a bitchfest
about the account management team or the Neanderthal client
organization.
My mother
used to call it "Crying with a loaf of bread under each
arm."
Perhaps,
my friend is just a chronic malcontent. Perhaps he's just
one more "baby" in the meat grinder that is the
ad business. But, bottom line, we are only as good as the
positive attitudes we bring to the table. So for me, when
I here somebody bitch about life on the job, I just want to
open their office window and shove them and their bummer attitude
into the ozone, then holler "Next" as they go down
to meet the sidewalk.
Why
Ask Why? I
had to recruit a copywriter to work on one of my client's
projects. In the ad I requested the candidate tell me why
they would be the right person for the job. This was one of
the responses. They didn't get the job but they sure did crack
me up:
Why
is it when I play a blank tape at full blast the mime next
door goes nuts.
Why is it when I go for a walk and my kids asked me how long
I've be gone, I tell them"The whole time."
Why do we know the speed of light but not the speed of dark?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why
don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why don't people realize that Disney World a people trap run
by a mouse?
Why does the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why, if light travels faster than sound, do some people appear
intelligent until you hear them speak?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know
the battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when
they already know you don't have any?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are
in charge of everything outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not adore?
Why is it that if you tell a man that there are 400 billion
stars, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a bench has
wet paint, he has to touch it.
Why is it, if Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
he always ducks when someone throws a gun at him?
Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients" but
dishwashing liquid contain "real lemons"?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why isn't boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
Why is it, that if you go to a bookstore and ask the salesperson,
"Where's the self-help section?" they will say if they tell
you, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don't they tell you that the best way to save face is
to keep the lower part shut?
Why am I perfect for this job? Because I'm out of work.
So
if you ever wondered what to do to kill time ( and boredom)
between jobs, now you know.
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Turning
Japanese. And
so the saga begins. Last week we went out and rented,begged and
borrowed 12 Mitsubishi Eclipses. What were the Screenwriters, Directors,
Producers, SFX Gurus and Cinematographers that make up that Ad Hoc
ad group we call "DoubleThink" looking for? A reason to
fall in love. Any reason. A paint color. A seat cushion. The tone
of the horn.
Something,
anything that gave us a personal connection with a couple thousand
lbs. of glass, rubber, sheet metal and plastic. Anything.
We
hired 20 cute girls from USC and UCLA and sent them out to the LA
Car Washes. We asked them to intercept Mitsubishi Owners and quiz
them about the one thing they loved about their car.
Five
of the braver members of our band went to three Mitsu dealers and
just hung out in the Service Departments evesdropping on customer
conversations in the waiting rooms.
In
other words we went everywhere and did everything that any self-respecting
agency team would do to find an edge. Something to build on
After a week of this nonsense, we came to our senses. There is nothing
that a traditional ad agency would do that would yield the first
clue
about how to bring Mitsubishi back to life.
How
did we know the nameplate was dead? Nobody we talked to loved their
car. Nobody we listened to had anything great to say about their
dealership. We were in showrooms on a Saturday and the salesmen
would have made more money in a crap game then they could on the
floor.
I
asked five salesmen to tell me about the new 2005 Eclipse. Five
salesmen were only interested in convincing me about the great deal
they could make me on a 2004 Eclipse. "DoubleThink" really
has its work cut out for us. One thing that's great about working
with people that don't make ads for a living is that they have no
idea, exactly how much trouble they're in when they bring back all
this bad news. And far be it from me to wake them up.
Because
the one ray of light that did come shining through last week, got
us all jazzed. The owner of a beautifully polished black rice-rocket
with electric-blue rocker panel lights told one of the guys. "I
live for my car. If I'm not behind the wheel, I'm dead inside"
This wasn't love.This was something more. Something much, much more.
Stay
Tuned.
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MARKETERS
FROM
THE FOLLOWING COMPANIES
READ
MADISON AVENEW:
OGILVY
& MATHER
MULLEN ADVERTISING
THE MARTIN AGENCY
TBWA CHAIT/DAY
GSD&M
YOUNG&RUBICAM
McCANN-ERICKSON
LEO BURNETT USA
PUBLICIS
FOOTE,CONE,BELDING
GREY ADVERTISING
HILL, HOLIDAY
LANDOR ASSOCIATES
MODEM MEDIA
BUMBLE WARD & ASSOCIATES
WPP GROUP
DAVID & GOLIATH
LOWE LINTAS
BRODEUR PORTER NOVELLI
INTERPUBLIC
GROUP OF COS
SULLIVAN, HIGDON & SINK
NOBLE &
ASSOCIATES
BBDO NY
SAATCHI AND SAATCH
FLEISHMAN HILLIARD
LTC/GSD&M
WONG DOODY
HAL RINEY &
PARTNERS
DEUTSCH, INC.
DDB NEEDHAM
CIMARRON GROUP
CAMPBELL EWALD
ZENTROPHY
HILL & KNOWLTON
US WEB
J. WALTER THOMPSON
USA
JAGER DI PAOLA KEMP
TRUE NORTH COMMUNICATIONS
CHICAGO
CREATIVE PARTNERSHIP
D'ARCY MASIUS BENTON & BOWLES
ADRANTS
NEW YORK TIMES
CHICAGO TRIBUNE
NEW YORK OBSERVER
BRANDWEEK
ADWEEK
LAS VEGAS REVIEW JOURNAL
DOW JONES
LEXIS-NEXIS
COX NEWSPAPERS
PUBLIC INTEREST NETWORK
MONSTER WORLDWIDE
HOUGHTON
MIFFIN COMPANY
REUTERS INFORMATION
CMP PUBLICATIONS, INC.
HARPER COLLINS PUBLISHERS
MERIDITH CORPORATION
THE MCGRAW-HILL COMPANIES
THE PROVIDENCE JOURNAL
LOS ANGELES TIMES
BANK
OF AMERICA
NATIONSBANK
THE PRINCIPAL FINANCIAL GROUP
INDYMAC BANCORP
GUARDIAN LIFE INSURANCE
KMPG/PEAT
MARWICK
DEAN WITTER
VERISIGN
INVESTORS BANK & TRUST
AUTOMATIC DATA PROCESSING
MUTUAL LIFE OF CANADA
MUTUAL OF OMAHA
RELIASTAR FINANCIAL
CENTRAL LIFE INSURANCE
FARMERS INSURANCE GROUP
CHARLES SCHWAB & CO.,INC.
GENERAL MOTORS
MERCEDES-B ENZ OF N.A.
FORD MOTOR CO
MITSUBISHI
MOTOR SALES OF AMERICA
NISSAN NORTH AMERICA
CHRYSLER
MOTORS CORP
MICROSOFT CORP
SUN MICROSYSTEMS
CISCO SYSTEMS
IBM CORPORATION
PULITZER TECHNOLOGIES
DIEBOLD
HUGHES NETWORK SYSTEMS
NEW DREAM NETWORK
EQUINIX, INC.
ESTEE LAUDER COMPANIES
THE LIMITED, INC.
TIFFANY
CO.
BOEING
AMACO CORPORATION
20TH CENTURY FOX
DIRECTV
VISABLE WORLD, INC.
VIACOM INTERNATIONAL
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS
DISNEY WORLDWIDE SERVICES,
INTERNATIONAL CREATIVE MANAGEMENT
CAA
HOLLYWOOD GOWER CENTERH
SCREENVISION
EMERILS HOMEBASE
BARNES & NOBLE.
FANDANGO
ELECTRIC LIGHTWAVE
TICKETMASTER
PUBLIC BROADCASTING CO.
CLEAR CHANNEL WORLDWIDE
ESPN
ALLTEL CORP
EARTHLINK, INC
ALLTEL INFORMATION SERVICES
TIME WARNER TELECOM
XO COMMUNICATIONS
ALLEGIANCE TELECOM
INTERNET ALLEGIANCE, INC.
UUNET TECHNOLOGIES
VERIZON
COMCAST CABLE COMMUNICATIONS HOLDINGS
GLOBAL CROSSINGS
ITC DELTACOM
GTE GOVT. SYSTEMS CORP
VERIZON WIRELESS
T-MOBILE USA
ROGERS MEDIA, INC.
UUNET SOUTH AFRICA
UNITED SPACE ALLIANCE
NASA
PORT AUTHORITY OF NY NJ
UNITED NATIONS DEVELOPMENT PROGRAMME
DELTA
AIR LINES
S.C. JOHNSON WAX
MERCK & CO.
KAISER PERMIANENTE
CANADIAN MENTAL HEALTH ASSN
STARBUCKS COFFEE CO
THE PROCTER AND GAMBLE
COMPANY
SCHERING-PLOUGH CORP.
DR PEPPER/SEVEN UP
RCN CORPORATION
HOTJOBS.COM
PFIZER
IKEA NA SERVICES
TISHMAN SPEYER PROPERTIES
HEINZ SERVICE COMPANY
RIVES CARLBERG, INC
KINKOS, INC
McKINSEY
& COMPANY, 1NC.
And
You.
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